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The Ponitac Aztek


I just feel sorry for the people who buy these things... it's like they haven't quite admitted to themselves that the interesting part of their life is over, so they rebel and buy an Aztek instead of a minivan because they think they're too cool to be seen in a minivan. Unfortunately for them, the Aztek is far, far lamer. I especially like the "garbage can green" ones. If there was ever a car single-handedly designed by a marketing team, this one is it. I'm surprised they didn't try to jam an El Camino-esque truck bed on the back of it, just to add some more "versatility".
Posted by wright on 05/08/01

Amen. There has been a car more universally reviled by the public and the press in years. One good thing is the name - just call it an Ass-tek.
Posted by gtrietsc on 05/08/01

Wright, you suck because you attempt to make judgements about interesting or mundane facets of people's lives based on the cars they drive. Why don't you crawl back to your hole and lick your Beemer, mmmmkay?
Posted by Lycaon on 05/08/01

Yes the Aztek sux. Look I can spell just like the morons who designed/marketed that bastard of a car.
This vehicle comes from the lineage of american greats such as the El Camino, or any car ever made by AMC.
This one rates up there w/ stupid ideas like the Subaru Brat, an el camino type pickup truck w/ 2 rear-facing seats int he bed... oh and no roll bar.

Posted by Rich S. on 05/08/01

Looks like a garbage truck grafted on the ass of a pacer.
Posted by klaus von bulow on 05/08/01


I had no idea the Aztec was so controversial! Outside of the fact the thing is ugly, its just something different, hence why my mother has one, a combo of mid-life crisis and no-one else had one, of course its already been in the shop for awhile. All in All, its just a minivan, which, once owned means the husband has no use for is dick anymore. Wanna pick on something, what about those For Explorer/El Caminos, now that is ugly.

Posted by The son of an Actec owner on 05/08/01

It looks like an SUV humped a toaster.
Posted by tholt on 05/08/01

even worse than the Asstek was the pontiac sunfire i saw recently with the full-on factory aero kit complete with giant wing.. how much worse could a car look???pontiac should fire every designer they have and start again from scratch
Posted by neil on 05/08/01

Was that thing designed in a dark closet? I thought they were hideous on paper until I saw one in real life. Good lord. A total clusterfuck of poor design choices.

But Rich S. -- I gotta take issue with your anti-Brat sentiments. Da Brat is fly. Word up.

Posted by ian on 05/08/01

I never thought i would find a car uglier than any Hyundai (the former ugliest of the ugliest).
Thank you Pontiac, now i have new cars to spit on.

Posted by dale on 05/08/01

Not only does the Asstek instantly brand its owner as a loser, they feel the need to beat us about the head with badly-crafted "subliminal" advertising, e.g. Survivor. This car is ugly, and falsely promises "cool points" to buyers which never existed, and will never exist.
Posted by melissa on 05/08/01

The Pontiac Aztec. Quite possibly the most ridiculous looking vehicle on the planet.
Posted by Bill on 05/08/01

Let's see... Richard won one, Colby won one, and Tina won one. So, like, theres 3 Aztecs on the street now, right???
Posted by Gino on 05/08/01

What the fuck did the Aztec's ever do to deserve this?As far as the Subaru Brat is concerned, they are planning to revive it. Take a look at this months Automobile Magazine.
Posted by PD on 05/08/01

Long live the Subaru Brat and its ejector seats!
Posted by ian on 05/08/01

Posted by Exhibit A on 05/08/01

oh god, thank god Pontiac isn't coming to Australia any time soon. that thing suckx big time.
Posted by dan on 05/09/01

It's a Honda CRX on Steroids. I dare you to find a photo of a CRX and tell me I'm wrong. Oh, and Lycaon, you're a fucking idiot.
Posted by Jennifer Gavin on 05/09/01

It looks more like a van screwed a hatchback.
Posted by Mattress on 05/09/01

Thanks for the Aztek link. Please excuse me now for I must poke out my eyes.
Posted by Dick Paris on 05/09/01

Hey, quit picking on my Aztek!

I had to live in the Outback and feign interest in that annoying Jerri chick for for more than a month to get my Aztek.

Thanks for the support Lycaon. I'll see you later -- you still drive the purple AMC Gremlin right?

Posted by Colby on 05/09/01

Jennifer, what are you 12? Colby, I'm not supporting you. I usually take the train. This American thing of equating cars with personality types is amusing to me.
I hope gas does hit $5 a gallon. Morons.

Posted by Lycaon on 05/09/01

Well, there must actually be 5 or 6 of these on the road. Because why else would you defend it unless you were dumb enough to buy one.
Posted by engecar on 05/09/01

Dack, how 'bout an UGLY LIST?

1. Pontiac Aztec
2. New "dalmation" and "patchouli" iMacs.
3. Dack's Sister.
4. The economy.
5. Jar Jar Binks
6. Puff Daddy
7. Bill Gates
8. The Monster.com Mascot
9. Deb from "Survivor"
10. Yahoo

Posted by Bring it On! on 05/09/01

Sorta like a CRX, this hunk of crap looks even more like Pontiac revived some old styling.

Anyone remember the late '80s/early '90s LeMans? In searching for evidence, I found a site that agrees: http://skeevy.com/2001.02.25.pontiac.shtml. Cutting-edge early 90's styling. Go Pontiac!

Posted by bluegsr on 05/09/01

The href added a period....drop that from the end of the skeevy link.
Posted by Heh. on 05/09/01

Found this at caranddriver.com:

"Inventories of unsold Azteks have risen to 168 days' supply, far above the industry average of 66 days at the end of February, according to Ward's Automotive Reports."

This confirms my suspicions that Azteks really do SUCK.

Posted by p-bone on 05/09/01

I hear almost 1/3 of all Azteks sold have been sold to GM employees at HUGE discounts or given to GM employees as company cars.
Posted by Benjy on 05/09/01

Just in case the Aztek didn't have enough people hating it, here's a web page devoted to the ANTI-AZTEK movement: http://www.geocities.com/cakennedy_98/
Stand up, Fight the power!

Posted by Rich S. on 05/09/01

Bloody hell, I read all the comments and thought, it can't be that bad.. then I followed the link to the Asstek site.. what an abortion of a car.. Although the camping package including a tent and air mattress would be handy on a first date.. (see photo gallery)
Posted by Anthony on 05/10/01

They'll never get me to trade in my Canyonero.
Posted by Krusty on 05/10/01

Pontiac has always made very gaudy cars. Their design team has always followed the philosophy that as a general rule a Cheap Plastic Body Kit = a Sporty Car. If that's not sporty enough, add a cheap plastic spoiler or wing. Hey, you'll also be giving that 4-cylinder Grand-Am driver the extra boon of needed downforce when he/she's tooling around town at about 175 MPH. If memory serves, I think Car & Driver has said it best over the years:

"Hilarious Euro-style overkill"
-Late 90's Bonneville SSEiJVCVCR

"The various scoops and wings make it look like it was designed in 8th Grade study hall."
-Some rediculous iteration of a trans-am

And hey, the Plymouth PT Cruiser is pretty much a very different looking minivan, too, so everyone knows the concept can be successful. The Aztek is just Pontiac doing what they do best: Taking someone else's idea, adding lots of plastic, executing poorly, and going way too far.

Fact is, Pontiac sells an awful lot of cars, so apparently somebody likes all that crap or else is naive enough to think there is something more to 'wide-body design' or 'solid-form design' than the completely insulting marketing crap that it is.

It is very difficult to fail by underestimating the intelligence of the average American. I guess Pontiac chants that mantra for their marketing team, and replaces the word 'intelligence' with 'taste' for their designers.

Posted by Ringo on 05/10/01

To put it another way, no one ever went broke by pandering to the lowest common denominator. That goes for intelligence AND taste.
Posted by wright on 05/10/01

Last year I worked with the web design team that was building some horrible Flash site for the Aztek. I was not involved with the Flash though I did create audio for these folks.

Among the many tidbits of Aztek lore I was able to glean, I discovered that the name Aztek comes directly from "A-to-Z TE(K)chnology."

So an über-cool etymology to match the über-cool style of the car itself.

Posted by John on 05/10/01

The new Edsel. In 5 years these will be collectors items.
Posted by Thomas Locke Hobbs on 05/11/01

I'm with Thomas on this one. Buying an Aztek could be the ultimate contrarian play. They're so out, they're in.
Posted by dack on 05/11/01

Wow! Those folks at Pontiac are soooooo smart!
Posted by Aha! on 05/11/01

AZTEK, the XFL of Cars!
Posted by visionary on 05/11/01

I own 5 assteks for my radio station, radio76.com.

We all suck.

Posted by radio76.com on 05/11/01

what about the optional camping pack wit integral air mattress - come on people - it's got to be worth buying one just for that!!

or would you just buy a tent, a camp bed and a proper car. here in the uk gas is already at about $4.50 a gallon - no suburbans here!!

Posted by 12watch on 05/14/01

ACK! What a POS that *thing* is... Take all the leftover Pontiac 1000 body parts, add a vertical foot of poorly shaped sheet metal in the middle, and hang it all on the second worst platform in the business. Oh, and then build a market plan aimed at an apparent null set. Feh.
Posted by minus on 05/15/01

I have the scoop on the Asstek design team... this monstrosity is a result of 'concurrent' engineering. There were more than 6 teams involved with the design of different parts at the same time. Too bad they did not care to see what the assembled thing would look like till they rolled out the final product. Look Mommy, a freak!
Posted by Jeeper on 05/17/01

lots of intelligent comments concerning the so called asstek, but this is all I have to say.

U-G-L-Y you ain't got no aliby YOU UGLY! sing it with me

Posted by tharitz on 05/17/01

What's a Pontiac Aztek?
Posted by NoJags Neil on 05/21/01

i lost my viginity in an aztek. it was great. first we slept in the optional camper/air bed. then i packed the cooler full of snow balls and then had a super fun time throwing them at trees and stuff. man it was a super cool awesome time. golly i love the aztek. thank you pontiac.
Posted by ronnie dobbs on 05/22/01

lock engineers in a room full of cocaine, and this is what happens.
Posted by Mike Hunt on 05/23/01

HEY! I'ts not fair to blame this monstrosity on cocaine. This was obviously the work of a strong hallucinigenic substance.
Posted by Let Your Ass Do The Talking on 07/02/01

The Pontiac Aztek proves that the folks at GM are finally bringing powerful, hallucinogenic, and highly addictive narcotics into their design process.
Posted by mark on 07/05/01

lmao @ all your comments...to funny gang....I think Im gonna go out and buy one..just to give you ppl more to talk about.
Posted by pas on 07/09/01

Pontiac-We Build Excrement!!! This steaming pile looks like an extremely angry toaster.There's a very red one here in my town that reminds one of either-1)hemorroids,or 2)an ingrown toenail.
Posted by Sandy G. on 07/19/01

Oh yes it is ugly, and my oh my are the guys trying hard to sell the mother. The whole bed/air mattress thing was a way to coverup the shortcomings. Everyone thinks it's a wonderful option, but the truth is it's a mask for a design flaw. It's too short to actually sleep in with the tailgate closed, so the gate needs to be open, which means a tent is necessary to keep bugs/weather out. But, the floor is so contoured and lumpy that they had to make an air mattress for any kind of sleeping comfort. And for that air matress to work on the downhill sloping floor they had to make it wedge-shaped so that all the blood in your body doesn't rush to your head/feet (depending on which direction you sleep). Oh, and they list tire tread wear bars as a safety feature? Weren't those required by law on all tires over 10 years ago? OOOPS Ponitac.
Posted by Bubba Bob on 08/02/01

Want a 30k car for 20k? That's how much they're discounting these things. Having driven one, I think they're a great bargain, and a fun vehicle. They're just marketed wrong. It's a great cheap alternative to the Grand Cherokeee or the BMW X5. The car is so kitted out it's incredible.
Posted by KazamaSmokers on 09/08/01

i'll give credit to pontiac for trying something different...but that's where it ends. if you've ever sat in one, you'll notice that the inside is real cool, but dang...with an outside as ugly as that, who cares what the inside looks like. one more thing...i wonder if the ancient Aztec tribe would be offended by this 'thing' if they were still alive...just a thought...
Posted by solo on 09/21/01

asstek's are the car pontiac made to obviously give you all wet dreams!! you fantasize of owning one someday!!
Posted by hooptiegoo on 10/13/01

stumbled on this lame ass site and
could not believe that you have so
much time to obsess over something
you obviously hate so much. man, the only thing worse than what you
are trying to trash is your own
worthless existence. outta here, you losers depress me!

Posted by magenta on 11/05/01

What about the Javelin and amx? those were pretty cool.
Posted by Adambomb on 11/12/01

Posted by pontiacsucks on 12/17/01

An Aztek with an el camino pickup bed...Cool.

Get a life you sorry f...ing dweebs. Some ppl like it, you don't. big deal.

nerd morons

Posted by aztekker on 01/19/02

Next time you see someone getting out of a Lexus SUV tell them you like their new Aztek and see how mad they get. Nobody likes to be accused of driving one let alone misstaking their Lexus for one. just try it and see what happens.

What about the new GMC Avalanche? I think pontiac had something to do with that too. just look at the plastic shit on that too.

Posted by Bosshog on 03/03/02

Whoever thinks the aztek sux obviously has no concept of futuristic fashion. You guys probably drive conservative 3 door saturns.

(aka fashion queen)

Posted by Angela on 03/10/02

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